Our Royal Throne

A cautionary tale of why you should never send your husband to Costco alone. 

 Matt had a sheepish look on his face when he came in from his solo Costco trip.  "I bought something."  Then he reveals a HUGE toilet seat.  Not just any toilet seat- THE toilet seat. The toilet seat he's been dreaming of since I met him, that he could only find on sale in more enlightened countries like Japan.  A majorly overpriced toilet seat that has some sort of computer on the back of it and looks like it belongs in a nursing home.  

This toilet seat has all the bells and whistles-

-a remote with buttons that say "His back" "Her back" "Her front" "Dryer"  "Nozzle position" "oscillate". With small diagrams on each button.    I wish I was joking.  We've thought about using it when someone else is in the bathroom as a practical joke- so watch out.

-a sensor that beeps when you sit down
-a blow dryer button

-a self-cleaning spray nozzle- (alas it doesn't clean the rest of the toilet for me)
-a soft closing lid- no lid slamming

On Matt's mission to Argentina they had something called a bidet at many of the nicer houses.  It was a small apparatus separate from the toilet that squirts water on your nether regions.  Oh and a community bidet towel.  Matt has a great story about his companion using the bidet towel for his face- but I digress.  Apparently a bidet is better than sliced bread because everyone I've heard talk about them can't understand why we don't have them in the U.S.  I was firmly in the camp of "that is wrong and weird" to spray your backside off.  Well good thing I have Matt and I live now because I would have been the one refusing to get modern plumbing back in the day.

The first time I used this thing I couldn't stop laughing.  I couldn't believe we actually had a toilet seat to spray and dry your bum.  Since then I've seen the light.  Here's the best way I can explain it for the non-believers out there-  after doing your business would you take a dry paper towel and wipe off your hands and call it good?  I certainly hope not- but that's basically what toilet paper is.  You feel so mountain fresh when you're done when you have a sprayer.  Think of the possibilities.  Okay, don't think too hard. But just for the ladies I would like to mention how great this would be after having a baby.  Matt's been traveling a ton to Alabama lately and after one trip he sighs and says, "I've missed our toilet."  

Charlotte was excited to try it right away.  She giggled the whole time too and said "that tickles".  Ever since then she never wants to use it and always says, "Don't spray my bum!" when she uses our bathroom.  I have a few jealous siblings.  One said, "I'd pay a million bucks for that thing."  Another sent me this article about an NFL player with a similar seat- apparently the other players like to visit his house just for the "Super bowl".  He called it the Cadillac Escalade of toilets.

Thanks for reading a little toilet humor- it was just too funny not to post about.

Anyone else out there have a secret wish to have a royal throne like ours?  What countries have you been in that have something similar?

Out with the old

In with the new.